Below is an excerpt from a self-inquiry I did today facilitated by Gangaji from a retreat she did The Jewel in Disillusionment. I added questions that helped me get into it further. Feel free to follow along with me. With each question, I took all the time I needed to answer genuinely. The way you know that you're getting close to uncovering something is if you get the feeling like you don't want to go there. Go there!
What do you want to keep?
I want to keep a roof over my head, my job, my car, my health.
What do you really want to keep?
My relationships, sanghas, the knowledge of inner peace, insights, realizations, clarity, aliveness, energy, peace.
What do you want to control?
What job I have. What job I never want to have. My moods. Choosing when to get tired and when to keep going, when to see people I love and when not to see people that frustrate me. Getting inspired.
If you could keep what you want to keep what would that really give you?
Security. Balance. Control.
If you lose what you want to keep, what's left?
Boredom. I took a nap and had some tea.
After coming back, I had energy again and I was not bored anymore.
Reflection
This inquiry did not stir any deep emotions, but I did see where I want to have control. It allowed me to be with what is and take a nap when I felt tired instead of feeling bad about being tired. I also realized that it takes more energy to seek out inspiration than to be inspired.
As for clarity, when there's no time to digest what I've realized or had clarity about, then I'm still clear.
I didn't get a clear answer to the question, if I lose what I want to keep, what's left. Then again, clarity is a realization that there's no state of resolution. I left it at that. I have many intellectual answers to that question, but none that were coming from the heart. The heart kept silent.
