What do you want to keep?

Below is an excerpt from a self-inquiry I did today facilitated by Gangaji from a retreat she did The Jewel in Disillusionment. I added questions that helped me get into it further. Feel free to follow along with me. With each question, I took all the time I needed to answer genuinely. The way you know that you're getting close to uncovering something is if you get the feeling like you don't want to go there. Go there!

What do you want to keep?

I want to keep a roof over my head, my job, my car, my health.

What do you really want to keep?

My relationships, sanghas, the knowledge of inner peace, insights, realizations, clarity, aliveness, energy, peace.

What do you want to control?

What job I have. What job I never want to have. My moods. Choosing when to get tired and when to keep going, when to see people I love and when not to see people that frustrate me. Getting inspired.

If you could keep what you want to keep what would that really give you?

Security. Balance. Control.

If you lose what you want to keep, what's left?

Boredom. I took a nap and had some tea.

After coming back, I had energy again and I was not bored anymore.

Reflection

This inquiry did not stir any deep emotions, but I did see where I want to have control. It allowed me to be with what is and take a nap when I felt tired instead of feeling bad about being tired. I also realized that it takes more energy to seek out inspiration than to be inspired.

As for clarity, when there's no time to digest what I've realized or had clarity about, then I'm still clear.

I didn't get a clear answer to the question, if I lose what I want to keep, what's left. Then again, clarity is a realization that there's no state of resolution. I left it at that. I have many intellectual answers to that question, but none that were coming from the heart. The heart kept silent.

Completely Incompletable

You write and you write one story, not knowing when you'll finish it, if ever, but knowing that once it's done you will finally hear the sound of one hand clapping. But when the moment comes, it's like a little death. Suddenly, you've got nothing left. And then you feel like eating something really good to celebrate the finality of something. But you know deep down that that won't fill you up and it won't complete the experience because the experience is inherently incompletable. Then you think, maybe sharing the experience with a friend will help, but that too turns out to be an illusory sense of self-enhancement. What do you do?

As I'm sitting here at Buzz Coffee on Beverly, I'm realizing there's nothing to do but to continue sitting.

"What about the rewrite?" my mind wants to know. But what I'm really thinking about is the end result.

Right action is only appropriate in the moment it's needed. What's the right action now?

Nothing is coming up, but I'm not as worried as I used to be in a similar situation.

10 minutes later:

I got an impulse to read an excerpt from Peter Brown's book and I came across the questioner saying "sometimes the words come together in just the right way..." and Peter answering, "my approach is if you throw enough words out, kind of like a million monkeys pounding on a million typewriters, sooner or later you'll say something meaningful..."

That pretty much answers my rewriting question.

What do the neurotic thoughts have to do with it?

The Inquiry

What will happen to my writing without the neurotic thoughts I have about it?

I've been catching my thoughts on the fly. Some of which are:
I need to write
Should I write?
Is this a good time to write?
I can't figure out that part, figures.
Should I change the story because I can't figure out that part?
This part makes me feel yucky.
Am I ever going to finish this story?
What about the other stories I started?
On and on and on and on...

The inquiry starts here. The writing itself has nothing to do with the thoughts I have about it. When it happens, it happens all by itself without the intrusions of mind. The only thing these thoughts affect are my mental state. The writing doesn't care. It happens on its own when the thoughts about it get out of the way.

Who would I be without these thoughts?

Isn't that the ultimate question. Who am I without the habitual thoughts that accompany me for no other reason but to keep themselves alive?

Reflection

I've been noticing that the act of writing is much more harmonious without my thinking about it beforehand or after. And if something else comes up instead of writing, that too is not a problem when I don't make stories about how it should be.

Today for instance, I'm taking a day off from writing or thinking about writing. Thoughts arose here and there, but I focused on other things like dusting, taking a walk, listening to the external sounds, and noticing my breath. It has been relaxing thus far. I did feel inclined to write a blog about it. But there were no neurotic questions like "should I do it or not" beforehand.

Who's Motivating Whom?

What is motivation?

After drinking the new toffee mocha at Starbucks, I got more energy than I knew what to do with; yet, I was not motivated to do anything in particular. I concluded that having more energy does not equal motivation. But motivation, on the other hand, does equal energy.

Peter Brown, a teacher of "reality" or the awakened state, writes in his new book "Dirty Enlightenment: the inherent perfection of imperfection," that we have nothing to do with motivation. We don't have the power to produce it or instill in ourselves or remove it. It already is how it is. It's a done deal. All we're doing is watching it unfold.

What motivated me to write about motivation?

I came to Insomnia coffee shop to work on my story, yet, I went up to the counter, asked the coffee girl what the password to the Internet was, and opened the blog page to write about this. I never ask for the internet password. I do all my Internet stuff at home. If I go to a coffee it is to get motivated to work on story.

Ever since I've been allowing for whatever happens to happen, I've been feeling more and more like I'm not in the driver's seat. It is much more relaxing and joyous not to be in the driver's seat. But then again, did I allow for whatever to happen to happen or did it do it all by itself? Where did the motivation come from?

Peter Brown points out that motivation comes from the same place we do. We didn't birth ourselves in much the same way as we did not birth motivation. The birthing process has been unfolding long before we became aware of ourselves. Motivation has been unfolding long before we knew what we're motivated to do or not to do.

The way I see it, it's not as important to know where the motivation comes from, as it is to be here in order to watch it unfold.

Stopping Doing

I want to do so many things and I don't know where to start. I haven't even finished what I started and I'm already planning something else. What should I do?

STOP!

Stop doing?

YES.

But I want to do something.

THE RIGHT ACTION WILL COME OUT OF ITSELF.

What should I do in the meantime?

NOTHING.

Isn't that wasting time?

TRYING TO DECIDE WHAT TO DO IS WASTING TIME. BY STOPPING YOU'RE SEEING WHAT WANTS TO BE DONE RITH NOW.

My heart is beating really fast like I'm having anxiety.

DON'T CALL THE SENSATION ANYTHING. JUST FEEL THE SENSATION ITSELF.

Thoughts like "I should be doing this or that" are arising.

LET THEM AND CONTINUE SITTING.

I went off into fantasy land.

COME BACK AND CONTINUE SITTING.

Am I waiting for an answer?

NO. DON'T WAIT.

Nothing is coming up, but the anxiety is gone.

Reflection

We don't always need to know what to do. Sometimes stopping doing is the only thing we can do.

Heart Walking

When is the time to stay and when is the time to walk away?

Each person within each moment is unique. The way you feel about each person in each moment is unique. There is no set rule that when this happens, you should stay and take it, and when that happens, you should leave.

I was pulled to leave, but my mind told me "you're reacting and you should stay and see what you're reacting to."

You're going to act in accordance with how you're going to act in that moment. Once the action is taken, then there's momentum. If you've taken an action that's different from most other times in a similar situation, then the mind will come in and try and reconcile this difference. There's no use in trying not to have these thoughts, because they are a part of the momentum.

Then, I should just accept my actions and move on?

You shouldn't do anything. Just notice. By trying to accept your actions, you're putting on another blindfold. Acceptance and moving on is the natural result of letting it be. If you feel like you've done wrong, then be with that. If you feel like you're justified, then be with that. If thoughts are justifying, then let them be. If you feel like apologizing, then do that.

Wouldn't people continue hurting others if they think their actions have no consequences by letting it all be?

All actions have consequences and you let that be as well.

I don't know if I can let things be all the time.

And that too. :)


Reflection

I had a situation arise with a person close to me. It wasn't really a situation as more of a typical action-reaction pattern that we've been involved in for years. Usually, I tend to act in a certain way, which involves, being there and taking it, no matter what. This time, I didn't stay and take it. I left. I didn't add any flowery words with my leaving. I just said that I was going and left. Then, the mind came in and tried to rationalize this difference in my behavior.

I went to the park and I just stayed with this inner conflict. I didn't do anything about it. I didn't try and rectify anything. I let it be. Something deeper within me told me that this is where I'm supposed to be.

We don't always trust that deeper knowing because of how the outer circumstances look. But if we stop and listen, then we can hear when we're being guided for our own interest at heart.

Join me in walking away when our heart is telling us to.

Thank you!

How do I improve my situation?

How do I improve my situation?

Let's look at that question or thought closely. That thought implies that there is a situation and that it needs to be improved.

What is a situation?

It's what my mind perceives to be the reality.

What's the reality now?

I'm sitting in my room, typing. And my mind says that I should be doing something to improve my situation. It's not even my mind. It's the discomfort inside my chest.

What is that discomfort? Can you stop typing and sit with it?

I sat for about 10 minutes. At first, I was dehydrated and needed water immediately, but I didn't get myself any, I continued sitting. Then the dehydration turned to fatigue and I wanted to lie down. As I continued to sit with it, I felt a pang in my heart and I heard the word, "worthlessness." Is that why I want to improve my situation so that I don't feel worthless?

Can you actually feel the worthlessness? Don't answer right away it. Feel it.

I sat for another 10 minutes. My mind immediately tried to search for an answer and I spaced out. I kept jumping from my journal to my breath. When I placed more of my attention on my breath than my thinking, then the feeling subsided and I felt nothing. Worthlessness feels like nothing in particular.

Who are you without the thought, "How do I improve my situation?"

Nobody.

Reflection

There are these thoughts, especially when I first wake up, that I need to do something other than what I'm doing or not doing. My mind tells me, "it's not enough, you need to do more." Maybe that's true and maybe it isn't, but by looking at the root of such thoughts, I'm discovering that there is no root. It's like I've been programmed to believe that I have to think these thoughts in order to do something. When in reality, I'm already doing something with or without these thoughts. It feels like this unnecessary added pressure to fulfill an image that doesn't exist.

Join me in doing what we're already doing, not what we "think" we should be doing.

Thank you!