As you can tell by the date, I did not show up last week. But I feel grateful for making it back today. In the past couple of weeks I joined two meditation classes. Practicing meditation in a group is a precious and giving experience because everyone is working on a common goal. I have to say that bringing regular meditation into my life has brought more balance and clarity. However it also unveiled old wounds.
What do I really want?
I want to keep showing up even if I have nothing to show up for.
In previous years, I have allowed anxiety to stop me from showing up. I still managed to show up somehow, but anxiety ruled the writing space. What if this is not it? What if I should be doing something else with my time? What if this is not the right story? What if this is not the right character? What if, what if, what if? And the thing is, when I actually sat down to write, everything was fine. The "what if" questions fell by the way side for as long as I was in the "writing space."
So, now, instead of fighting through my teeth to get to the "happy space" on the other side, I want to make my writing time a meditative time. As a meditation practitioner, I learned that one of the crucial points of meditation is to sit there for 10, 20, 30, whatever minutes without impulsively reacting to any discomforts that arise within or without. Through mindfulness, I learned to note what my mind is telling me. If it's planning, than I place a post-it note in my head with the word "planning" on it without judging the actual planning when I should be writing. Or if it's worry about tomorrow, than I note, "worry" and leave it at that. Little by little, these thoughts are becoming no more than notes in my head that have no power to change my course of action.
My intention this week is to show up for writing.
What kind of a person do I want to be in relation to showing up?
I want to be accountable for my intention without judgment or fear of failing. I want to be there even if nothing arises out of the space. But at least I want to be there in the space so that when something is ready to be born it can be.
How is showing up aligned with the whole?
When I show up to write, I show up for Life. When I'm not resisting whatever may happen by showing up, I'm living in alignment with the present moment.
Join me in simply showing up.