How have I been "creating me" so far?
I'm somewhere between fiction and non-fiction. Eckhart Tolle teaches that our "inner purpose" or staying present in the now is primary and our "outer purpose" or what we do in the world is secondary. I've been practicing staying present for over two years now and although, there is a deepening every single day and moment even, I still find myself getting lost on what it is I'm supposed to be doing and how is what I'm doing connected to the whole. And I know that being concerned about that is a sign that I am not present or aligned to my inner purpose, which is why I'm using it as a reminder to stay with the task at hand.
So now, I think of "creating me" as being the observer of my own experience. Being there as emotions and situations arise. The times when I'm not fully "there," anxiety, doubt, and fear starts to creep in. I catch myself thinking, "that will never work" or "How am I going to do that?" But the beautiful thing is that these thoughts have no power over me unless I believe them. However, the momentum of self-deprecating thoughts like that has certain energy and I cannot pretend that they are not there because that just adds to that energy. I have to let them be and watch them pass. The trick is to actually stay with them and face them completely, instead of turning away from them.
Here's what's been working for me so far:..
The way that I've been able to face these thoughts and emotions is by pacing. I am a full time pacer. Lately, I've been turning pacing into a walking meditation instead. If I'm going to pace anyway, I might as well make it useful. And for those of you who are not familiar with walking meditation, it's basically walking slowly back and forth, and paying attention to every step you make. Feeling the feet on the ground, feeling your arms swing to and fro, and feeling your overall body. Just like in sitting meditation, you watch your mind and let your thoughts come and go without judgment, condemnation, or clinging to any one thought.
Here's another thing that has been working for me in times of resistance:
Any uncomfortable or painful feeling that arises within us is another way in which our body tells us that we are resisting whatever is happening in the moment. It happens to me right before I sit down to work on a task I set out for myself that day. My mind takes me on a walkabout that's anything from, "Do I really want to do this?" to "Maybe this way will be better." Neither one of these thoughts serves me or helps me get on task. What does serve me is that whenever I feel resistant to do a particular task, I do a one-hour non-resistance exercise, which consists of doing whatever it is that I'm resisting (exercise, write, make calls, organize files, etcetera) for an hour. I set a timer and I turn the activity that I'm resisting into a one-hour meditation.
What I learned from doing the non-resistance exercise are two things: 1) If it's an activity that I actually enjoy, then the one hour turns into more hours 2) If it's an activity that I don't enjoy, but have to do and there is no way around it, then it gets done and then I don't have to worry about it.
How's life calling me to serve today?
I like to switch it from "this moment" to "this hour" to "this day" or "this week," etcetera because it's all now anyway, but it helps the mind to wrap its head around it.
The way that life is calling me is to look at the bigger picture. It's not about this story or this activity or that goal, but rather what I'm being drawn to right now. For me, it's about taking one inspirational thought and seeing where it fits in the projects that I'm currently working on instead of creating a whole new project around one idea.
Join me in looking at the bigger picture.